Take No L’s

Photo By: Shane Spangler

I’m Baaaaaaack!

Kind of?

If you didn’t notice I was gone, let me fill you in.

I disappeared last weekend.
Vanished, under the blankets on my bed.
Last Thursday I took a pretty big L.

The Trigger:
My two beautiful, wonderful, super fun friends from L.A. drove their big R.V. into Austin last week. You might know them as Alex and Dalton from ARK Project (@arkprojectnow). Well, we had a lot of fun roaming around the city until their RV got broken into, so we decided we’d go out with some of my other friends for a night on 6th street to get their minds off of it. We had a good time bar hopping and dancing and drinking ( I was D.D.) until we encountered Patricia.

I was driving us to get a slice of pizza before the long drive home and CRASH.
My car jolted to a halt. I opened my eyes to a blur and heard a ringing in my ears. I smelled smoke and shouted, “everyone get out of the car!”

We were hit by a drunk driver.
Head on.

There was a lot of shouting. I looked over to see Patricia, our new drunk friend, fumbling with the keys trying to put her truck into reverse to drive away. Hit and run? Not if I could help it. I started to scream when I noticed three men had flung her driver door open and wrestled with her to keep her from driving off. I could see she was very overwhelmed so I felt that 3 men yelling and grabbing was a bit excessive. I walked over to them and shooed them all away. I turned to Patricia and spoke softly. I asked if she was okay and if she had anyone to call. I glanced down and saw blood smeared on her legs. Once she got a hold of the steering wheel for balance, she turned to me with blood gushing from her mouth and said “I’m not drunk”. That’s when the officer walked up and he handled it.

I was marching back and forth between my friends and the ambulance and my car in 6 inch heels. I stood strong and competent and helpful until I watched 4 men roll my poor car onto a tow truck. Then I just stared. My friend came over to me and put his arm around me. I thought about the road trips I had taken in my car, and the long talks I had with people in that car, the dents I put in my car (and in other peoples cars with my car) and the kisses I gave and received in my car. My car was gifted to me from my step mom after I got my license my Junior year of High School. It grew up with me. It was my freedom.

My favorite part of the whole night was actually our Uber (Not actually uber it’s an app called Ride Austin because Uber & Lift don’t exist here) driver who told us how excited he was that we got into a car accident and were going to the hospital at 3 am to pick up one of my friends because his night had been really boring.

I was not taking anyone’s shit so I turned to him and said
“So glad our misfortune is entertaining to you. That’s really fucked up”
He proceeded to change the subject by trying to put down the drunk driver, Patricia
“She was probably just one of those stupid sorority girls, you know.”
Which I again turned to him, looked him dead in the eye and said
“I’m in a sorority.”
Then a voice from the back seat.
“You are just digging yourself into a deeper hole dude.”

Then silence for the following 40 min home.

I didn’t cry that night. I didn’t cry the following days either. My L.A. friends made it easy to laugh…

The weekend was spent getting me a rental car, getting checked out by the urgent care doctor, picking up prescriptions, phones calls to my step brother who is a lawyer and my insurance company and then sleeping.

The Aftermath:
Monday Morning
Monday morning, my friends left. I felt fine until suddenly I wasn’t. I tried gathering myself together for class and had a complete breakdown and called my mom. She told me to call my therapist. And I told them both I got shaky holding my prescription medications from the doctor and asked my roommate to hide them from me. Just in case.

I cried hard. Really hard.
Tipping point.
I felt like I was suffocating.
I went to the park and posted one snap chat and one Instagram story saying I was going to take a week off to heal, then I deleted all of my social media apps.
Then messaged the people I was working with on side projects to let them I know I was taking time to heal and I wouldn’t be available for a little while.
I felt better.
I went home and slept.

Tuesday – Thursday
I slept for 3 days. Literally. Slept.
The following day I felt physically weak and emotionally numb. Tired and still couldn’t do much. I laid in bed and watched T.V. shows all day. I tried to get out once, but talking to people drained me.

I decided I was bored of feeling sorry for myself and done with thinking about my wrecked car. I got dressed up, put on make-up and went to a lecture.
Then I went to my therapy appointment. I sat down and stared a the wall on the other side of the room as the tears streamed down my face.
Now this didn’t just happen all of a sudden, this was coming. Like the way the sky gets dark before it starts to rain. People don’t just break out of nowhere.
“I’m so scared of this” I said. “I noticed this started last month, when I had a really good day and was smiling in the car and I realized that I haven’t actually been happy in a while” More tears. I didn’t realize how unhappy I was until I was finally happy one day and my smile vanished pretty fast after that realization.

This didn’t feel like me. I felt trapped. I felt like I was being invaded. Like my mind and my body and my life was being invaded by a thick fog. I couldn’t think straight. I thought in circles. Depressing circles. But I knew that some thoughts I was having wasn’t me, it was the intruder. And noticing that made me feel better. I went home and watched more T.V. so I would stop thinking.

I went to the store later that night and bought ice cream, oreos, chocolate chip cookies, and bananas.
I ate half of what I bought that night.

I don’t remember much except that I decided to go out that night.
It was homecoming weekend and a lot of old sorority sisters and friends were back in town.
I saw a bunch of people.
Being around people and hugging old friends filled me up a little bit. I felt a little bit stronger.
The people I saw & spent time talking to reminded me that I have many more people to call than I realized. They also reminded me of the impact I can have. And how proud they were of me.
I felt valued.

My friend took me to church. The pastor’s wife got up on stage and told people that she wanted to take a moment to pray for the people who were hurting. This isn’t a normal part of the service. And I knew God did it for me.
“Come up to the front of the room to receive your blessing”
Almost the entire congregation went up there, which I thought was beautiful, but I stayed in my seat and bowed my head to pray Forgive Lord, but there’s no way in hell I’m going up there. But I still want your blessing. I need your help to beat this invader. 
“No pressure. God says no pressure. God is going to do something spectacular today for each of you.” The pastor’s wife said into the microphone.
Okay. I opened my eyes wide….

After church, I went to my other friend’s apartment for breakfast and Game of Thrones.
Suddenly it started to pour. And a smile dashed across my face.
I love rain.
I love the smell it leaves behind.
I love the chill of it.
But most of all, I love the cleansing feeling it gives me.
A lot of times when I am sad it rains. Which is kind of a big deal because it doesn’t rain all that much here.
I re-downloaded Instagram and Facebook

On my way home from my friend’s house I saw a rainbow. Not just part of a rainbow, but the whole darn thing. It was magical. And I couldn’t help but think of church this morning, and of God. And my sadness lifted, and the fog thinned out.
I bumped the song “Yung God” by Russ and “Bounce Back” by Big Sean (Whose cover art for the single inspired the title of this blog post) If you haven’t heard them, look them up.

Someone responded to my “see ya later” post on my Instagram and said “Oh yeah? What’s a week going to do?” Well sir, let me tell you.

I healed a little bit. I took time for myself to rest and to hurt and to go back to God.

I have no idea when I’ll get hit with the fog again, but I can say that I’m ready to move forward and I ain’t takin no L’s.

I’m too strong to be defeated.

Still though, the idea of jumping straight back into everything I was doing before makes me a little bit light headed, but this week, I will go to class, and that’s a damn good start for me.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *