Win Win or Lose Lose

Photo by @pumpkinspicnyc

Let’s begin this post by saying today was rough and I feel like a bag-o-shit.
Funny because literally 2 days ago I was feeling unstoppable.
How the heck does that happen? idk.

I started ranting about it on my IG during my rainy walk home from the subway station, but I’ve never been good at just talking my thoughts out – I’ve always been a writer, so I decided to delete the videos and just write about it instead…

So I’m competitive.
Especially with myself.
And I don’t think that is a bad thing. It keeps you aware of the situation and striving for more.

However, when you add insecurity into the mix, it’s not so good. This can create pettiness, aggressiveness, judgment, gossip, and a whole lot of negative feelings. The biggest one for me is that it causes comparison. I start comparing myself to everyone else that is similar to me. Becuase I feel like I work very hard to stay true to me and do work that is different, so if someone looks similar to me, or does things similarly to me suddenly I feel disposable.

Suddenly I’m sitting there telling myself that I don’t matter and that what I’m doing is stupid.

Which is exactly what happened today at this photography meet-up I went to. (More on this later because I definitely have some critiques on the whole idea of meet-ups)

ANYWAY – one thing I realized when I start doing the whole “omg she’s prettier than me & so much more qualified” thing – it makes me feel like a fraud. Suddenly I feel like everyone can see right through me – like I’m some sort of cheater or liar – some lowlife scum being a poser cause I’m not good enough to do it myself.

YA GUYS ITS BAD.

And I have run into a lot of creatives and entrepreneurs that have felt the same way. My theory is that it is because we are self-made; and because we are self-made, there is no consistent way to measure qualification. There’s no standardized test or degree that qualifies you to be a creative person or live the lifestyle you want. You get to be the judge of that, and that’s a very difficult weight to hold. It freaks a lot of us out.

I think that’s why we love social media – we love the feedback we get. It’s not attention we are looking for – it’s validation, because we are so much different from the norm. It’s to make sure we are on the right track, and to watch reactions of people consuming the work that we share. It’s support to know that we are crazy for follow our hearts and our dreams.

I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t speak for all creatives, but I know for a fact that this is true at least sometimes for some of us. And then without any kind of support or validation, the cycle starts all over again and it sucks.

I know I shouldn’t have to look anywhere but maybe God for support & validation, but as a human and someone who like to share, it would be nice to know that other people see & respect me for me and my uniqueness, and to remind me that my uniqueness isn’t wrong.

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