A Puff of Smoke

Photo by: Logan at the Beverly Hills Farmers Market

 

“Our moral economy went bankrupt long before our financial one.” 

 

 

I’ve been processing a lot lately and church yesterday definitely kicked me back into the game so I’m going to share all of it right here in one blog post. GET READY IT’S GONNA BE GREAT.
1.    The Valley
As you probably have seen, I’ve been traveling all over the place. Like I actually hit up 9 cities in 4 different countries in about a month. Pretty intense.
I learned a lot about myself in that time. I learned what it felt like to travel to a new country alone. I learned I could take care of myself. I learned that I didn’t want to chase someone down someone who didn’t really want me. I gained confidence and saw the truth about myself. I learned what my face looks like after going without makeup for a month.
I liked it. I liked it all.
Then I fly back to L.A. & head straight to San Diego to have some business meetings. Unfortunately, what I was initially excited forgot buried in miscommunication and frustration. And on top of that, I’m realizing for the 100th time in my life that my sexual relationship isn’t what I want it to be.
I had to take a step back to analyze a lot. What do I see in my bank account? What do I want? What do I see in my personal relationships? What do I want?
What do I see in my work? What do I want?
And I realized, I wanted something different in all of that.
I came home from all of these adventures and felt stuck. LA. , the place that I took a leap of faith to move to, felt dark. I looked at my bank account and compared it to what it looked like before I left. I am $5000 down that amount. More off track financially than I’ve ever been.
And on top of that, the work I was doing consistently before my travels, got pushed back. So that means, no work until January. * insert panic attack *
On the way back from San Diego I listened to a podcast that really shook it up for me. (Undefeated: Pastor Sarah from OneChurch LA. If you want to be inspired, freakin listen to this)
I realized in this moment that after a high there is always low. And wrote some notes:
What goes up must come down. It’s about how your mind is. Want to get out of your stuck? Do something radical, shake it up. Don’t play it safe. Praise God the whole time.
What is this low? Analyze it & step out.
We are so easily defined by our painful emotions why is it so hard to hang on to the truth? Let’s get your mind right. Gratitude.
2.    Twenty Dollars
A week before all of this, I went to church in Denver and the pastor talked about finances… “You know what goes up after I preach about finances?’ “Offerings?” “No, baptisms. Because when you can let God control that part of your life, you can trust him with anything”
Cut to the day after I got home to San Diego, a week after Denver, I went to church with my roommate. Before the pastor comes up to deliver the sermon, they did the offering, which means they pass these little baskets around so people can put money inside. Not me though. I never do.
But this time God said “I want you to give me the $20 bill that is in your wallet.”  & I’m like but that’s the only $20 bill in my wallet. The only cash in my wallet, & I didn’t even think I had that much. In that moment I realized that I didn’t trust God. I was clinging to the $20 bill tighter than I was to His promises & I realized where my anxiety & scarcity mindset was coming from. I was creating it for myself because I wouldn’t let go. I reluctantly took the $20 bill out of my wallet and watched as the baskets went up and down the rows. I prayed & said, when I drop this money in the basket I will let go. I will let God take care of me. I will let go of the control & my anxiety. The basket finally got to me, I put my only $20 bill inside, passed it back and immediately felt the tears well up from the pit of my stomach all the way to the tip of my nose and out my eyes. I had a pure moment of panic. “Oh my God what did I do – that was so stupid. I’m going to regret that.” I cried hard with my head down in my hands. And then I felt peace. I reminded myself that I was letting this anxiety go.  God’s got me. I have enough. I allowed myself to feel the fear and then pushed it out. I am fine. And I was. I am. And this is where the real shift started…
More notes…
 
Zoom out – keep your focus on the journey – life is so beautiful + complex + crazy. No one who ever enjoyed the ride had white knuckles.
Get out of your own way. Ask God to move the flesh + bones over so you can see the blessings.
We operate from such a place of physical need for survival sometimes. We react to situations and people. I cried in a meeting when I was in San Deigo because I was operating from a scarcity mindset. It was about survival for me. I had forgotten that I actually have what I need… cause all I could see where numbers dropping in my bank account.
When you’re stuck in an “is” + looking back at a “was”. It’s hard to see what will be.
What “IS” doesn’t define what will be.
I have the strength to walk through because God has laid a foundation in me.
3. Stand Up.
All of this came full circle. Right before I left I had a feeling that I was about to “level up” in a sense. That I had enjoyed a season of comfort but knew that something needed to really make me uncomfortable again if I was going to keep growing. I knew another lesson was coming.
After chur, h I empowered & supported. I reflected back to those questions I had asked myself the week before. What do I want my bank to look like? What do I want my relationships to look like? What do I really want?
& I knew.
& I had some hard conversations with a few people. I reminded them of my worth. I reminded myself of my value.
So my lesson wasn’t a big painful, dramatic thing, it ended up being an accumulation of little frustrations throughout the different experiences I’ve had in the past month and a half.
And I’m still working through it.
Most importantly, I was able to get my mind right. I shifted my focus and from there was able to command my life again. With God by my side, I know I can do that & he will provide abundantly.
It’s not this big aha moment when God reveals himself. It’s not a puff of smoke. It’s the moment you open your eyes & see the energy that is woven into the very air you breathe.

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