I Guess Healing Never Really Ends…

Originally Written April 5, 2019

This morning, I was sitting on my little green meditation pillow with my legs crossed, eyes closed, palms up, and tears rolling down my cheeks.

I’ve been meditating a lot recently. Every day in fact, for the past 3 weeks. Most days it’s really nice, other days, it’s 10min of utter chaos + mental to-do lists, but I consistently walk away from my little green pillow grateful for that time.

When I meditate without a guided recording, I do this:

1. Deep steady breaths to anchor myself to the present moment.
2. Listen to sounds, far away then closer.
3. Back to breathing. How does it feel in my body?
4. I visualize a light surrounding my body, first around my head and then all the way down. As the light moves, I pray that any negativity or tension be release, and I am mindful to relax each individual muscle.
5. Breath here a few times, in this totally relaxed state.
6. This body is now the perfect home to house high-frequency energy like gratitude and joy. I focus on what I want to embody + draw in for the day + feel it in that present moment.
7. That’s usually where I cry. I also used to love to imagine the universe/god being so pleased with me, I try to feel the love it feels for me in the form of a warm all-encompassing hug. Sometimes I move my hands to my chest + stomach. For some reason that position always makes me feel safe.
8. I’ve recently been trying to end every mediation by looking at myself in the mirror and saying affirmations. I wasn’t big on talking to myself in the mirror – it was awkward, but I did it once and had no idea just how badly I needed to hear to the words “I’m proud of you” come out of MY OWN mouth.

The past few days I’ve been slowly declining mentally, emotionally + energetically.

As I sat there on my little green pillow, I noticed for the first time a very stark shift in my mind and body. Where I went from my “low mindset” to the present moment. It’s so good to be here again, I thought to myself. The recording I was listening to mentioned something about neuroplasticity…

I share all of this because I’ve been struggling quite a bit over the past… I don’t even know how long. I hit lows and then I’m fine… I’m not sure if it’s depression or a mild form of a mood disorder, like Cyclothymia which is often diagnosed around 25 years old, or maybe it’s not a mental health condition at all and instead, it’s something spiritual.

The past few months (Since like Feb.) I’ve been feeling this need to shed. Like I don’t fit into the life that I’m living anymore. I don’t know what, but I know in my core something needs to change. I’ve been doing the job search thing, I’m trying to set boundaries for my days, but it’s all really hard. Yesterday I had a rude awakening and curled up on the couch crying. I realized that 2 weeks of trying to shake things up isn’t enough time. I had energy and was excited to be moving onto this grand, new chapter. I was hoping that it would feel more like starting a whole new book instead of just turning a page. Patience…

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