The wave has been my symbol for 2019.
Actually, it started out as the phrase “Stepping into the Tide” and slowly revealed itself in my life as a wave. I saw it everywhere… on murals, at restaurants, in gifts + on jewelry. I even DREW IT BY ACCIDENT a few days ago (image above).
The wave is a symbol of change, of force, and sometimes, even of fear.
When I was a kid, we used to go to the beach in the summers. I remember watching “huge” waves crash onto the shore and thinking that Mother Nature must be grumpy about something. I also distinctly remember being caught in a wave a time or two at the beach wondering if I was being punished for throwing sand too hard as I was tossed and tumbled by crashing waves. Those “near-death” experiences instilled a deep god-fearing type of respect for the ocean. I decided never to throw handfuls of sand into the water again. I didn’t want to make her angry!
Before I experienced being tossed by waves at the beach, I never knew that it was even possible for mother nature to erupt upward with force strong enough to knock me over. So the idea of a similar wave coming over my life gives me a little bit (a lot a bit) of anxiety. But it’s there to remind me to LET GO of the control and trust that the forceful currents the Universe has us cradled in, is FOR us. Things that happen in our life is only for our soul’s mission on earth.
When I created my original Vision Board, I broke up my year into 4 quarters to help me schedule goals…. much like businesses do quarterly reports. The Vision Packet I used to outline my goals and dreams for 2019 is available in the shop for free.
In April, I wrote a blog post that I never published about feeling restless. I felt like I wanted to shed. It felt like nothing I had outlined on my vision board fit me anymore. (I went ahead and published it so you can read here.)
What I didn’t realize, was that I was experiencing part 2 of 4 of the wave.
Q1 was “Footing”. Stepping into the water, and getting acclimated to the temperature. This was about Acceptance and release. At the beginning of the year, I practiced being open and letting go of my desire to control everything.
Q2 was “Ripple” which felt more like a pull. The moment water starts to move, react to you being in the water and then pulls back. Something is coming. I started to feel like my life didn’t fit me anymore. I was beginning to get really unhappy. I was anticipating and hoping for change.
Q3 was “Rolling” – which is a really nice way to say that my soul would literally be rolling around in a metaphorical typhoon. Being tossed and turned by life events – this is the scariest part of the wave. the part where you’re not sure if you’ll make it back up to the surface again.
On June 6th, my dad committed suicide, and my grandma was admitted to the ICU where she laid heavily sedated for a few days. My year-long relationship ended, I moved back to Texas (where dreams go to die) to take on the responsibility of being the executor of my dad’s estate and to help my family take care of my grandma who has had a remarkable recovery but still needs assistance. Being under the stress of the intense change, displacement, and loss made me anxious. For the first time in my life, I truly believed I was unloved which sent me spiraling into a 3-hour long panic attack that almost landed me in Bayview Behavioral Hospital. Most people would refer to this as “the dark night of the soul” I think. When you hit rock bottom. Feeling lost and disoriented. The world absolutely caves in and displaces every sense of yourself there is no up or down. Only spinning and pain.
Q4 was “Flow”. After the big crash, there is stillness, a new breath of air. It’s emerging to the surface after everything and seeing a new landscape before you. I haven’t gotten to this part of the journey yet, but I know I’m getting there. Things are beginning to flow a little bit better, and I think I will be seeing a new horizon soon.