Skeletons In My Closet

Photo By: @AlfieFriday
“When health is absent, 
Wisdom cannot reveal itself,

Art cannot manifest,

Strength cannot fight,

Wealth becomeS useless,

And intelligence cannot be applied.” – Herophilus


In my Instagram post, I said that “beyond physical health, there is also spiritual, emotional, mental, environmental, and social health.”

I want to go deeper into that…


Spiritual health is not just whether you believe in God or not, it’s about how you focus your energy. It’s about your pillars of truth and the things you believe in that keep you grounded. This is the center from which most of your decisions come from.


Emotional health is not just being happy, it’s about learning how to live with the things you feel and channeling those emotions out in the world in constructive ways. 

Mental health is your mindset which is influenced by chemicals in your brain and also has a very strong connection to your emotional health.

Environmental health is your physical environmental which is composed of a lot of things you can & can’t control. The things you can control are things like cleaning your room or organizing your desk. Things you can’t directly control include the amount of pollution in your city when a wildfire burns near your home, federal rulings on health care. 
I also want to add time management in here too. Learning how to influence your environment and the power you have to change it by how you spend your time is important too.

Social health is about the people you keep around you. It’s about all the different kinds of relationships you have and whether or not those relationships are lifting you up or dragging you down. Also, it calls to question how you treat others, which is directly related to mental and emotional health.

In reality, all of these things are very connected to each other but in modern medicine, we don’t talk about these connections as much.

Story Time
On my Instagram post, I mentioned how I’ve been saying no to a lot of things. 
It’s because I’m trying to gain strength, in my mind, body, soul, environment, and friendships to prepare for life after graduation. To slowly transition in order to give me the best shot in conquering my goals and dreams.

And I wanted to share how empowering that has been, especially after today -which is the first time I’ve really noticed it. 

Today, I chatted with a friend of mine who is also an ex-lover. It has been a few months since we’ve spoken to each other and after catching up, the conversation turned to where it used to always go. Sex. 

But today was different. 

I didn’t want to. Like I really didn’t want to even though I knew how fun it would have been and how good it might have felt. I know my heart is somewhere else and I wanted to respect that. I didn’t want to muddy the feelings I have or make it more complicated. I also didn’t want to share myself with someone I didn’t have feelings for anymore.

But I was afraid to say no.

And that’s kind of weird for me considering I am usually pretty good at doing what I want and speaking my mind. It weird for me to feel like I couldn’t tell the truth.


So I sat back with that feeling and asked why. 
That’s when I realized that I was afraid of saying no because I was afraid of not being valued. I was afraid of him getting mad at me and not wanting to be my friend anymore if I didn’t give him what he wanted. 

Well Shit.

That’s not a good reason.
I come first! 

It’s not selfish – I don’t want to have any kind of relationship with someone who makes me feel like I can’t tell the truth about the way I feel or speak my mind without him getting angry.

So I siked myself up. I told myself I was strong. I reminded myself of the commitment that I made about clearing out my life this season, which means saying goodbye to old habits and bad energy and clearing the way for the good stuff. And lastly, I reminded myself that I’d be perfectly fine (probably even better) if I didn’t have sex with him.

So I replied honestly. Instead of making excuses I told him I didn’t want to because my heart was somewhere else, but I did want to hang out as friends.

He flipped shit. 
Told me I teased him & toyed with him.
I told him I didn’t mean to – that I was trying to make a decision and that I was afraid to say no.

I WAS AFRAID TO SAY NO. *Red flag*
That part didn’t register with him.

After an angry phone call, he blocked me & 
I didn’t care.

I felt empowered.
I didn’t even cry.
I was proud of myself.
I took control of my body and my feelings and did what was best FOR ME.
And there is nothing wrong with that.


Of course, I felt bad that he felt so bad about the whole thing, and I felt bad that I bruised his ego. But if he really meant what he said he loved me as a person and friend then I would have expected him to respect my decision in a respectful way. He has no rights to my body – no one does. So to act the way he did was wrong.

Anyway, it was just another step I took to take care of myself in this new season.
I have also stepped back from my job, which has left me more time to strengthen my friendships and also prepare mentally and emotionally for what may lie ahead. I’m making an effort to strengthen my spiritual health by reading books, praying regularly, and listening to podcasts. I’m working out regularly, getting rid of a lot of my clothes, furniture, and possessions. 

And I’m doing it all because I want to be the strongest I can possibly be for the next phase of my life – and it’s working! I’m feeling better about myself and more rooted every day and I can’t wait for my next journey to begin.

The Point

I wanted to write this to remind you, the beautiful, strong, fierce, woman or man reading this, that you CAN say no and that it is okay.
You don’t have to convince yourself that you want it.
You don’t have to do it.
You CAN walk away.

Whether it be a draining job, an unhealthy relationship or a toxic environment, a bad habit, or whatever it is holding you back.

I’m taking care of myself now. And I love myself a lot. And it took me a reeeeeeaaaaally long time to get to this point, but it’s so worth it.

If you can’t think of anything that is holding you back I suggest you do some self-reflection because the things might be more invisible to you. 


Once you can see it doesn’t have to control your life anymore.

It’s like leaving a sock on the floor and then walking by it so many times that you forget it’s there – it becomes a part of your everyday life. It’s not until you decide to clear your floor that you realize you were stepping over it every day.

We have to listen to the way we feel in different situations and hold tight to what those feelings are telling us. Ask questions, dig deeper.

Imagine where you want to be or the kind of woman or man you’d like become and make the decision you think that person would make. Manifest what you want and say no to the things you don’t need or don’t improve your life/make you happy.

You deserve the best and you deserve to be healthy, but most of all you deserve your own love. 

How to Love a Creative

 

Photo by  @AlfieFriday
New York, New York

I’ve ugly cried about 6 times over the past 3 months because I’m scared shitless about what I will do in May.
Cause I graduate
And I have no idea what I’m doing
And I’m absolutely terrified.
I’ve also been reading a handful of self-help books in an effort to keep my moral up.
I noticed that most of the books I’ve read talk about “quitting your sucky job and going after your dreams”
Okay…. Well what of about the soon –to-be college grad gushing with passion and creativity with absolutely no direction?
What about the girl who knows she can make anything happen, but can’t decide on what she wants?
Sometimes I think maybe I’m the one that will have to write the book. Maybe I will.  But I gotta feel it first.
Anyway the point of me writing about this is that I’ve cried so many times and been absolutely overwhelmed with stress and it pisses my mom off. “You have absolutely no reason to stress Annabelle, I don’t know any other kid like you.”
Well it’s stressful when the people I want to support me most, are the ones crushing my dreams before they ever get to see the light of day.
When they ask what my plan is I say “I dunno, something cool.” And then immediately try to find something else to say to impress them or to say something in a language they will accept and understand. “I’m building a company that focuses on marketing..” boooorrriing- but “sounds better” than “I’m creating a movement by bringing together like-minded people to change the world”. That gets me smirks and scoffs. 
My mom says it comes from a place of caution and fear for them. And love. Mainly love.  The people around me don’t want me to fail – and the things I want to do require great risk.
I’m at the point where I don’t want to tell anyone about any of my ideas or dreams. I don’t like people telling me I can’t, or making me feel like I’m stupid for trying.
If you love me, support me. Don’t give me advice. The best way to love a creative is to encourage them – even if you don’t understand them.
Believe me – we already know how weird we are. We already know the risks. We’ve already thought about the 400 ways it could fail or destroy our lives, or maybe even cause the death of planet earth.
Your job as our loved one is to make sure we know that you believe in us. That you give us the tools to succeed, helps us stay focused on our mission and help us stay grounded in the reason we started this journey in the first place.
Be honest but don’t try to scare us because it will end up either in a furious effort on our part to prove you wrong – or it will throw us into a downward spiral of depression, doubt, and anxiety. That’s a lot of negative energy to deal with.
Remember you are doing more than just supporting a weird project – you are helping a spirit live and grow and connect with the world. You are helping a light emerge and a flower to bloom. Don’t step on it.
“I trust you”
“I believe you”
“I believe in you”
“Keep going”
And
“You’ve got this”

Are the best ways to love (& support) a creative.

What IS this?!

Before I get started, I would like to thank my little sister for the aggressive text I received after work today reminding me to post on my blog. “It’s been a month Annabelle! Go write something!”

Little she did she know, I was already planning on writing something because I had a breakthrough yesterday that really came out of nowhere.

I. like. a. boy.

….ok? Cool Annabelle.

No no you don’t get it .

I have feelings for someone.

Like the kind of feelings that make your heart leap and your brain go to mush.
The kind of feelings that put butterflies in your stomach.
The kind of feelings that scare you.
The kind of feelings I haven’t had in over 2 years.

2 YEARS.

WHAT?! YEAH I KNOW.
And it’s not like I haven’t tried. I’ve gone out on dates and had chemistry with different people but chemistry is NOT the same as feelings. You can mesh well with or get along with or even have pretty good sex with people and not have feelings for them. That’s just good chemistry.

On the other hand, feelings…. like FEELING FEELINGS- I haven’t had those since the boy from Connecticut that I fell pretty hard for. Everything else between the rape and now has just caused me a lot of pain and taught me to keep protect my heart fiercely. And I try to. I have to so I can heal, and love myself better. I had to put up a wall so I could learn to respect my own space and trust myself. It took me a looong time to finally respect the boundaries I drew for myself. But I did it. And as soon as I did, my art started to grow and I became so much happier and stronger.

But the walls make it really hard to have feelings. Seriously. And that’s why yesterday when I realized I had feelings for this guy, I started crying.

I was scared- worried that there was a crack in my wall made me vulnerable to invaders and guys who just wanted to take advantage of me or use my heart selfishly. Then I realized that I was taking down the wall myself. Or maybe God was taking it down for me.

And that really freaked me out. Why?!

Because these feelings – no matter how absolutely terrified I am of them – are proof that I am healing. I can love someone other than me because I already know how to love myself.

I didn’t think it could happen to me again. I thought I’d just kind of be a loner for a long time and I was okay with that.

And I’m not saying I’m in love with this guy, I still don’t know him well enough. But I could be one day. And even if this doesn’t work out, I’m still grateful. I know that something beautiful is waiting for me because I’m healing.