Day 5, 6 ,7 – Boundaries, Magic, In Tune

Photo By: Adan ( @_citystreet_)

It’s been a beautiful and busy few days, and I gave myself the space to live them without feeling guilty that I didn’t write.

So I’m wrapping them all together today so I can be ready for Day 8, which might also be delivered late in another conjoined post. We’ll see…

Day 5 – Boundaries

Moving into a new home is like a rebirth.
It presents a slight pause to life and an offer to reinvent who you are.

You can BE anything, DO anything.

This was already and has been true, but in this pause, the universe seems to scream it louder than ever.

Who are you? What will you allow in your life?

Asking yourself those questions helps you determine who you become.
Keep in mind that your action leads to habit, and your habits determine your life.

So where are your boundaries?
Will you continue to let people take advantage of you?
Will you continue to lose yourself inside another person’s body?
Or will you stand up for yourself?
Will you give yourself space in your new life to take ownership of the greatness that is bursting out of you?

“He would not let the demons to speak because they knew him” -Mark 1:3

Silence your demons.
Put them on the outside of your boundaries.

Day 6 – Magic

I renamed this day quite a few times because I didn’t felt anything really speak out to me.

It was a day of connection and rest and really stepping into the blessings I’ve welcomed with my obedience and faith.

TBH I got to drink some good beer with some good friends, hang out with some plants, and visit the beach and it was a beautiful day.

Definitely felt like I was in the moment, and there is NO shame in that.

You don’t always have to be giving or perfecting. It’s okay to just live sometimes 😉

Day 7 – In Tune

I spent this day (Today) at church and fretting about my Instagram and then taking a nap that was way too long. But I’m learning to let my body rest when it needs to rest (especially because this coming week is going to be pretty intense.)

Anyway, I went to church this morning and had my bible and a piece of scrap paper next to me – I was scribbling away and a phrase kept coming up “In tune”…. “stay in tune”…

It’s what I’ve been working toward – what Day 4 – Surrender was all about – staying in tune with myself. But today was about more than just me. It was the bigger picture. It was more than just me, it felt like I was dialing in on my purpose.

I wrote this on a notecard I happened to have hidden in my bible:

Aug 20 – Tune
Like scanning a radio – tuning doesn’t work if you’re passive.
Stay active, in praryer and community.
“Every Christian in Prayer”
Tune into each other
Don’t be afraid to feel.
Don’t be afraid to listen. 

There were words that the pastor said today that hit me – “Every Christian in Prayer” Imagine that. Every single Christian praying together?? That would move mountains.

And even if you’re not a Christian and even if you don’t believe in God, you CANNOT disregard the power of intention. The energy that comes with unity. The force that comes with faith.

This is a bright, good, incredible power source to tune into.

And it is your purpose. Your path, is your way of tuning you to be in perfect harmony with the rest of the world. You can either be passive about it, or active. If you are passive the path is much messier. But either way, getting there is tricky – Can even feel hopeless sometimes. But I’m here to tell you that it’s not.

There is abundant blessing on the other side of obedience.

Tune in.

Day 4 – Surrender

Photo By: William Coles

Today’s word is surrender.

Surrender to truth
surrender to rest,
surrender to the unknown
surrender to faith
we surrender our weight so we can be carried.
we surrender our guard so we can be loved
we surrender our expectations so we can be blessed
Surrendering is not giving up.
Surrendering means to acknowledge a higher power than yourself, to let the mask come undone and the walls come down.
Surrendering is to be vulnerable, and hopeful.
Surrendering means to be carried.
be careful what you surrender to.
I made a vow yesterday to my intuition, that I would no longer fight it. 
I will follow what I feel, which will definitely freak people out but I am certain that this tugging I’ve felt all through these years is not my personal desires, it’s God. Pulling me out into the unknown, pulling me a little bit past my comfort zone so I surrender to him. 
I surrender. 
Do you?
“Something amazing happens when we surrender and just love. We melt into another world, a realm of power already within us. The world changes when we change. the world softens when we soften. The world loves us when we choose to love the world.” 
― Marianne Williamson

Day 3 – Alignment

This one isn’t going to make sense but I guess growth never does…

I’ve been looking for God in the details.

Yesterday I reconnected with a girl I went to middle school with. We haven’t spoken in 10 years, and we had so much fun!

We were sitting in the car in the back of an Uber, and this idea popped into my head. It’s kind of weird, but in a way, my friend Kate represented the past, and she was there to bless me into the future – because I really don’t believe in coincidence.

My friend Kate and I wandering around Hollywood

I had been telling people that I have felt so in alignment with this decision. And I know I am because things are happening and I feel a such a strong energy coming from me that’s making me love people better. I guess that’s what happens when you’re in alignment though, God or the universe or whatever you want to connect the energy that connects all of us can flow through you and bless your life as a side effect, which causes blessings in other peoples lives.

I don’t know, but if you feel a gut instinct, a calling, God’s voice, a tug – you better follow it. Let everyone doubt you and think you’re crazy, but I’ll be here rooting for you the whole way. It’s real.

Grace vs Hustle

Quote from Sophie Kwok

If you’ve kept up with my blog over the years, you know that one of my biggest struggles is rest. 

I don’t know how to pace myself and I don’t know how to rest.
Well actually, I do know how to rest. 
You’re supposed to sleep or enjoy life and nature or read a book just for fun or watch a movie or do anything so you do NOT THINK ABOUT WORK.
I just chose not to rest because I feel guilty when I know I have other things I need to do. 
And then if I don’t want to do those things I end up in this weird state where I’m not doing anything and feeling guilty, anxious, and stressed for not doing those things. Which makes me want to tackle my to do list even less.
And I know I am definitely not alone in that.
This whole week has been really weird for me. Last Sunday I went to a dance class and in the middle of a big beautiful leap, I felt my hip pop. Something literally popped out of place while I was in the air. I landed and could barely walk. I took a minute to stretch and massage it then jumped back into class AND continued on to take another. I figured it was just a strain. I went to my friend’s house after to ice it. She looked at me and said “You probably need to just take this week to rest.” She had mentioned it to me before and I didn’t want to because I stressing about how I had nothing to do. But I realized I couldn’t do anything anyway now with my hip pain so I took the advice.
I spent the entire week in bed. I watched the last 3 seasons of the 100 on Netflix (obsessed by the way) and ate a bunch of chocolate. 
There were a few times where I’d walk away from my laptop and say “urgh I should be reading a book right now” or “maybe I should write some emails” but I’d stress about it for a total of 30 seconds before I’d open my laptop back up and forget about it. 
I had no energy or desire to create, work or DO ANYTHING. 
It took a week of this lack of inspiration to finally let go. Then on Friday, I took my Hammock to the park. 
I sat in my hammock for the first time since I received it in April as a birthday gift. 
Part of the reason it’s taken me 2 months to use it is because  I didn’t trust it.
If you’ve ever seen how an Enu hammock is set up then you know what I’m talking about it.
If not, it’s sketchy. 
I don’t understand it. 
What you do is throw your rope around the tree and stick one end of the rope through a loop and then attached the carabiner to it and pray that the rope doesn’t slide down the tree when you sit in the hammock. 
It never does, but I think about it as if the 3 feet between my butt and the ground might kill me. 
The point is, I had to trust it. I had to trust that the rope & the hammock would do what they are designed to do. And they did.
And then as I laid in my hammock, I had an epiphany. 
If I believe that I was created for the specific purpose I am chasing, I have to give myself a little grace. 
If my Creator created me for something, I have to trust that I will do what I am designed to do. Just like the rope and the hammock. They don’t worry about doing their job. I mean obviously cause they are inanimate objects, so I can worry for them but that doesn’t help either. My worry ended when my trust began. And they did what they were designed to do. 
My friend Sophie and I were chatting about this issue of rest & the anxiety that comes from the pressure we put on ourselves as business people/ entrepreneurs/ artists. She told me that “Grace will take you where the hustle can’t”.
I realized this week that I need to give myself more Grace & that I should be focusing on the Grace that God gives me when I am stressed.
Because you know what happened after my 5 full days in bed and then my afternoon in the hammock?
I was inspired to study my GoogleAdwords textbook. And after spending an hour with it I scheduled my very first marketing workshop to lead a team through exercises to help clarify and give direction to their business. 
Then I went to church, finished writing this blog post, and feel like I am energized to tackle some big things on my to-do list this week. 
I am back to doing what I was created to do.
I’m ready to hustle again in ways I would have never had the inspiration to do if I had not first given myself some Grace.

This is not a ‘feel good’ piece.

Photo By: @Levisule

Do you know what heartbreak sounds like?

Silence.

The deepest pain is usually silent.

Internal.

That’s the stuff that hurts the most.

Pain will absolutely undoubtedly change your frame of mind, and from that point forward, permanently alter the perspective from which you think critically about the world.

My mind shifted this week.
Because I hurt.

In this pain, I tried to find the silver lining/life lesson like I always do to prevent the hurt from feeling pointless. But this one was hard to find. Every lesson I came up with seemed insufficient in comparison to the pain I felt.  In other words, I definitely would have been able to learn these lessons without crying so much.

This kind of pain was overwhelming, there was no hope in this. This kind of pain is meant to be endured.
And that’s when the resentment came over me and my perspective shifted.
I felt used.
And not the way a Christian want’s to be used by God.

“Used” is a very loaded word in my mind.
Becuase I have been used by people.
My physical body was used when I was raped.
My heart was used and my emotions were manipulated and abused in two separate relationships.

Used = Trauma.

Christians use the word “used” when they speak of God using them for his bigger plan. It’s supposed to be a freeing kind of thing, but frankly, I believe it is a glorified thought.
When I think of God “using” me I feel abandoned and broken.

When I thought of God using me in his plan, and God helping me fulfill my purpose as a teacher, I thought that it was “love people well and you will change the world”. I did NOT think of enduring all of this pain or the toll it has taken on my heart.

Feel the pain, and share the lesson.
Feel the pain, and share the lesson.
Feel the pain, and share the lesson.

I didn’t mind it until last Thursday when my heart broke and my perspective shifted.
This.
This is not fair.
This is too much pain.

And for what? Another lesson?
Will I never get the chance to feel loved the way I want to be loved?
Does God even care about what he’s doing to me?

I feel like God doesn’t care about the condition of my heart – as long as I am an effective vehicle in sharing lessons learned about pain.

So here we are back to age-old question:  “What is the purpose of suffering?”

This morning I picked up some breakfast tacos with my friend Emma. We discussed a lot of things in between bites. We discussed God, and suffering and purpose.
I related it back to the martyrs – you know, the people who DIED for the glory of God. The people who were stoned, beaten, and burned to death?
I sat there and thought HOW could God let a human being, a soul full of love and light suffer that way? Why would he let them be KILLED…??

I didn’t understand because I relate to those Martyrs. I love God and I want him to make me part of his plan but DAMN WHY DO I HAVE TO HURT LIKE THIS.

Then I realized that today is Easter.
Today we celebrate the one perfect soul, the most beautiful human being, filled with goodness and love, who was NAILED TO A CROSS for God’s plan.
Jesus didn’t deserve that.
But he did it anyway.
He suffered. Oh boy, he suffered.
and Died.
but then he rose up to heaven.
Literally floated like a feather because God loved him.
God loved him more than he loves any of us – I’m pretty sure.

I don’t know what the lesson is here, maybe it’s realizing that living for God means enduring a lot of pain. Maybe it means suffering is part of life and it sucks. I don’t know what the hell it means. And this time I am really not going to pretend like I do.

I do know this…
The silence of my heartbreak was broken by the sound of the sacrifice of another human being.
Another human being who lived, and breathed and loved and suffered, just like me.
Another human being who allowed himself to die, for the good of others.
Suddenly I wasn’t alone.

If this is all I am meant for – to feel and then share, then I know I can keep pushing forward.

I will feel, and I will push through.
I will survive because I know I can
and I will live because he died.