I started searching for an old blog post on the meaning of “Home” that I wrote back in 2015 for the “Big Sister Program Pilot Group” Call tonight and got carried away peeking into the heart of 20-year-old Annabelle.
So much has changed since then.
So many things about me are different now.
And so many things are about to change again.
I floated down a river of old memories as I read my old reflections. I remembered the visceral desire I had to find a “home” and how lost and alone I felt at times because I couldn’t figure it out. I chuckled when I found myself here, again, reflecting through typed words, feeling the sense of “home” I was searching for so desperately then as I write this post 5 years later.
Like most humans in this world, I have always sought to be known, seen, and loved for me – in my authentic expression. Some people (myself included) have hidden so deeply within themselves for fear of being judged or rejected that after a while they don’t even recognize themselves anymore. If you’re familiar with the enneagram, “deceit” is the main plight of an unhealthy 3 on the enneagram.
To me, the scariest part of this struggle is truly getting lost in the extensive collection of masks that you wear. How will you ever be loved for who YOU are if “YOU” can’t find it’s way to the surface or doesn’t know how to show up?
But I’m on the other side now.
I no longer hide behind many of the things I used to hide behind to feel accepted and loved.
These days, there are only a few thin layers of protection that separate my vulnerable heart from the judgments of others. I’ve let go of many of my masks as I have grown to love and accept the different facets of the very complex, and emotional human that I am. (Shoutout to Dr. Fisher, my therapist, for teaching me to see those things as gifts)
Though criticism from others might still hurt, it doesn’t wound me the same way it used to. Instead of becoming imbedded in me and infected like a nasty splinter in my foot, harsh words or judgments from others bounce off after impact. The secret is that those thin protective layers are made of love, self-understanding, compassion, and forgiveness. Materials that are breathable and resilient. (This is starting to sound like a running shoe commercial.)
The point is, this tiny space on the internet has been the home for much of that transformation. And I suppose I’m feeling especially sentimental because I know this space is about to evolve in a really big way. This blog has been a beautiful reflection of my heart space for many years and the greatest gift it has given me is the ability to look 5 years backward and say “wow, all that work pays off.”
I’ve been working, excitedly to elevate this blog into something bigger. I’m ready for it. I’m ready for change because I know that even when things are different, I can still find home again. The sound of the tapping underneath my fingertips as I write is the sound of a journey inward, and the journey of finding a home in knowing who I am.
Many of us search for a home without realizing it was inside us all along. That’s the journey Letters to My Little Sisters is here to support you on, the journey we are all on – the journey to come home to ourselves.