M.I.A.

Photo By: M.Lee Photography


Hey guys,

So I wanted to apologize for going M.I.A. this week. I had every intention of posting a #MM but I ended up having a very intense discussion with my parents that left me kind of questioning things about myself that I hadn’t before.
There were certain things that I had been hiding from without realizing. 

This is good… but it was also kind of confusing  because it made me doubt all the things I have accomplished. 

One of the things I questioned was having this blog. 

So like any struggling couple I decided to take a break from it to see if this blog really is what I thought it was; created for the purpose of healing and connecting. 

This morning I got on it for the first time in a week and saw that it had over 1,000 page views. ONE THOUSAND. 

And well… I can’t leave you guys hanging.

So I am happy to say that I will be continuing to post on it. 

I will post more about the discussion with my parents later with other posts once I figure out a way to write about it. It weighed pretty heavy on my brain and my heart.a

I Would Like to Apologize for…

The fact that I edit my posts after I publish them.

I get impatient with writing so as soon as I’m done making it sound relatively nice I publish it.

And then when I look over things a few days later, I find a bunch of typos. (lol My Bad!)

I spend a ton of time writing each post individually, because when I write it comes out EXTREMELY choppy (Sometimes I don’t even finish writing my thoughts out) and I have to go back and make sense of it all.

And then on top of that I can’t spell very well so I have to go back AGAIN and correct spelling errors.

Then I’m so tired of writing that one post I just publish it without checking it again.

Now you know the effort that goes into everything I write.

Including this post.

These are my struggles guys.

Take em or leave em.

(By the way, I wrote this because I just found a bunch of typos on the blog. All over the place. So if you go back you’ll notice they have been corrected. And if you see any I missed, kindly let me know! It would be greatly appreciated)

Spirituality


When I first started this blog, I thought I would steer clear of most mentioning of God. Not because I don’t believe in him, but because I didn’t want to offend anyone.

I created this blog to help process some of my suffering but mainly to provide a safe place for other people. Any kind of other person, and I didn’t want them to be turned off from the mention of God because I know not everyone believes in Him. 

But I cannot write a truthful healing story without God in it, because without his light, I would not have come out of my darkness. 

I do think its important to have spirituality. Religion is just a pathway – a tool to be close to your creator, the universal energy that connects us. Whatever you want to call it. Whether you have 0 God or 300, Any pathway you take to heal is a good one. because you’re healing.

Not everyones story is the same, and I feel like I have definitely cheated you guys of some pretty cool and exciting things that can only be explained by Gods grace.

And who knows, maybe through my story you can see a whole new side of Him that you never knew before. 

Anyway, so I just wanted to let you know that I will now be sharing some stories occasionally that mention God. I believe some of the most incredible of experiences were only possible by divine inspiration. And it’s SO cool. 

My suffering brought me closer to God and I think that was my greatest gift.  

How I met Vierna

June 10 2014

I was running late for the train this morning because I couldn’t find my headphones. I decided to just grab a book instead and caught my train with time to spare. 

Vierna was talking to the conductor nervously about getting back to NYC from New Jersey. 

I overheard her say that she was headed to Penn Station. I thought well, why don’t I offer to walk with her through Secaucus since we are both headed in the same direction. I would want someone to do that for me if I was in her situation and it would be almost wrong not to. So I leaned over and asked if she wanted to walk with me. She smiled at me and accepted my offer. 

I noticed her accent as she told me about how she was going to get a taxi but it would have costed $160 and even though she had never been on the train before- it would be better than that. I laughed and said I understood and it was no problem – I was nervous my first time too. 

We walked off the train together.
I introduced myself and showed her the ropes; getting off our train and on to the next one. 

She asked me a lot of questions about my family and what I was doing in the city. I told her about everyone and the adventures I have planned for the summer. And then I asked her about her accent and her work.

She was originally from france, and has been an architect in the city for 30 years and now lives on the upper east side. She normally doesn’t take jobs out of the city but ended up taking the one in New Jersey anyway. She didn’t know why. 
She said I was a very sweet and kind girl. 

When we boarded the next train we talked and she said that I reminded her of a little girl that she was very fond of. A seven year old girl named Rachel. The daughter of a friend that lives on her floor. She showed me a picture. Absolutely beautiful little girl – I was flattered. 

We got off the train at Penn Station and I asked if we could have a picture together. “would you like a normal picture or a selfie?” she asked, and I died laughing. 



After we took the picture, and then she told me:  “A friend told me that the beautiful girls nicer than the ugly ones. It’s so true!”
We hugged goodbye but then she offered to stay with me for bit before William came to pick me up. 

This is where our conversation got very deep, and very meaningful. She told me a about how I reminded her  a lot of her self and she told me I needed to protect myself from people that will try to abuse me. 

She  said I’m small, beautiful, and vulnerable and I needed to take extra care of myself because people would want to take advantage of my kindness and vulnerability. And she encouraged me and told me I was special. “Do not take yourself for granted” she told me. And I will never forget that. She accompanied her advice with a story of her own. She gave her boyfriend 29 yeas of her life, and the whole time he tore her down, abused her, said she wouldn’t be worth anything. When she met him she was already successful, but after being with him, her business started to dwindle away. Finally she got the courage to leave him and everything started booming for her. “I have lovers, and friends, and I’m making so much money. I am Happy now!” She looked at me. “I don’t think you will understand everything I say- but I have this feeling that I just want to protect you”

Tears welled up in my eyes and I told her that I understood exactly what she said because I had already been taken advantage of for those very reasons.

She hugged my tightly and said if I ever needed anything, to call her. I told her if she ever needed a babysitter for Rachel or any help with anything to call me. Then she asked if I could maybe help her with some errands and said she could give my name to someone else she knew who would need help – her friend who was also her former boyfriend. I asked what his name was, and she said she couldn’t tell me because he was a world famous artist and would pay very well. I told her I liked the sound of that and that I really wanted to see her again. So she invited me over for Friday night Happy hour at her apartment. “You could meet all the women that need babysitters that way” I was/am so exctatic about it.  As she left I told her not to forget to call me. “I don’t forget anything” she said “I’ll even change my background picture to the one of us so I remember you”.
Just think, if I had found my headphones before I left, I would have been listening to music and wouldn’t have heard her talking to the conductor. And if she decided not to take the job in New Jersey, she wouldn’t have been on that train. 

This is an amazing connection.
I hope to hear from her again – If I do. I’ll post about it.




Perseverance #MotivationalTuesday

“If you are going through hell, keep going.” 
― Winston Churchill
M.Lee Photography



Sorry readers, 
 I missed Motivational Monday…. I’ve had a pretty busy weekend and didn’t really have time to write. And when I did have time, I was feeling sort of down. I’ve had a couple bad days this week- feeling lethargic, stressed and sad. Just really down in the dumps for no real reason. I was starting to think I was slipping back into a mild depression again. But I’m feeling way better today. And I have accepted those strange days because it happens to everyone and it’s nothing to beat yourself up about. 

Anyway,  I started a #MM post on the day that kind of started my trend of bad days. 

Last week I did a drop in ballet class at a studio near my dad’s house that I had been to a few times before. I had originally planned to go Friday night, but I ended up going to a Broadway Music thing with my step sisters and went Saturday morning instead.
No one told me it was the most advanced ballet class on the schedule because most of the students in the class were actually in the BALLET COMPANY. Needless to say, I was brutally challenged and got pretty frustrated. In reality I kept up very well, but I still was embarrassed because I didn’t feel good enough. My extensions weren’t high enough, my chest wasn’t lifted enough, I was too nervous to spot well and it was my first class with that teacher and I had a hard time understanding her while everyone else kept up fine. 

I had a few moments where I wanted to quit. Just grab my bags and walk out. 
I had to take moment at one point and walk to the bathroom to keep myself from crying in class. (I cry when I’m frustrated) but then I came back and finished up. 
Afterwards I was happy that I didn’t quit half way. And then I wondered why I didn’t just leave.

Part of the reason was that it is very rude to do that. Walking out on a dance class is insulting to the instructor and the other students. ESPECIALLY in a ballet class. Plus that’s kind of embarrassing because then everyone thinks you can’t do it. 

But I knew it was more than that.

I wanted to keep going. 

I wanted to push myself.
Why? Because I love to dance. I really do.
And you never give up on something you love.
For example, My friends and family didn’t give up on me through my hardships. Through the scary dark patches of my healing journey they stayed with me because they loved me and they wanted me to get through it. 

So I wasn’t going to give up on this class. Even though it was kicking my butt, I wouldn’t let one rough experience ruin my passion. So I tried to remind myself, that there will always be someone better than me and someone worse than me so in the end it doesn’t matter. 
I have to dance for myself. Because it makes me happy. And that should be reason enough to keep going.
To do it for me.
So, what’s the point of going on when you feel like you can’t?
Because it’s a test, and all you have to do to pass is to get through it. 
That’s all I did in my ballet class. I just did whatever I could to get through it, and enjoyed the parts that I could.
That’s all I needed to do. I was enough. 
You are enough to get through it.