Before I get started, I would like to thank my little sister for the aggressive text I received after work today reminding me to post on my blog. “It’s been a month Annabelle! Go write something!”
Little she did she know, I was already planning on writing something because I had a breakthrough yesterday that really came out of nowhere.
I. like. a. boy.
….ok? Cool Annabelle.
No no you don’t get it .
I have feelings for someone.
Like the kind of feelings that make your heart leap and your brain go to mush.
The kind of feelings that put butterflies in your stomach.
The kind of feelings that scare you.
The kind of feelings I haven’t had in over 2 years.
WHAT?! YEAH I KNOW.
And it’s not like I haven’t tried. I’ve gone out on dates and had chemistry with different people but chemistry is NOT the same as feelings. You can mesh well with or get along with or even have pretty good sex with people and not have feelings for them. That’s just good chemistry.
On the other hand, feelings…. like FEELING FEELINGS- I haven’t had those since the boy from Connecticut that I fell pretty hard for. Everything else between the rape and now has just caused me a lot of pain and taught me to keep protect my heart fiercely. And I try to. I have to so I can heal, and love myself better. I had to put up a wall so I could learn to respect my own space and trust myself. It took me a looong time to finally respect the boundaries I drew for myself. But I did it. And as soon as I did, my art started to grow and I became so much happier and stronger.
But the walls make it really hard to have feelings. Seriously. And that’s why yesterday when I realized I had feelings for this guy, I started crying.
I was scared- worried that there was a crack in my wall made me vulnerable to invaders and guys who just wanted to take advantage of me or use my heart selfishly. Then I realized that I was taking down the wall myself. Or maybe God was taking it down for me.
And that really freaked me out. Why?!
Because these feelings – no matter how absolutely terrified I am of them – are proof that I am healing. I can love someone other than me because I already know how to love myself.
I didn’t think it could happen to me again. I thought I’d just kind of be a loner for a long time and I was okay with that.
And I’m not saying I’m in love with this guy, I still don’t know him well enough. But I could be one day. And even if this doesn’t work out, I’m still grateful. I know that something beautiful is waiting for me because I’m healing.