I am officially free.
Free to fly
Free to fall
Free to fail
Free to flourish…
Wherever my heart may lead, I can follow now, without the interruption of going back to class or the guilt that comes with skipping (lol).
Graduation is nothing like I expected it to be. I expected to feel weightless. Unstoppable. Invincible.
But I didn’t feel that way.
Most of the morning I was excited. I sat at the edge of my seat during the whole first half of the ceremony, waiting for them to tell our row to stand and get in line to walk the stage and shake hands with President Burger (yes that’s his real name).
My smile reached from ear to ear as I walked up for my turn…
but when I had made my way back to my seat and opened my diploma, something happened. Or rather, nothing.
There was no magic. There was no inspiration.
I traced my fingers across the words on my diploma… “Annabelle Evangeline Dura”…..”Bachelor of Arts”….
That’s when it hit me I think.
This is it. This is real. This is what I’ve been waiting my whole life for.
I feel kind of like I died that day actually. Literally. Like part of me died and then I was rebirthed, as an adult.
I sound insane I know but really.
I didn’t (and still don’t) have any plans after this.
I cried, hard, at least 3 different times that day.
I am terrified, and I’m not even sure what of, because when I really think about it, I know I actually have a lot of options. I know I’ll be alright.
It’s been an emotional roller coaster. I’ve been hurting a lot through this. My friend told me it’s just the unknown. It’s fear. My therapist told me it’s normal to have death cross my mind. She said all anxiety is linked to fear of death. (There’s your existential thought of the day.)
Tonight I’m overwhelmed.
I’m so overwhelmed I think I might throw up.
Especially after today.
I literally THREW myself into my projects (and other people’s projects) to keep myself busy. To keep my fingers and my mind occupied so I wouldn’t have time to stress out about the future, about what I can’t control.
It also freaks me out that everyone I usually hang out with is gone for the summer. Am I really going to be alone for the next few months? But didn’t I want to be alone for a little while? I don’t know. What am I doing??
My thoughts, my emotions, and my to-do lists are scattered. I’m fighting hard to find some consistency and routine but I guess that will come with time….. and will probably change again once I move. ughh.
Sorry if reading this stressed you out or made you anxious. #WelcomeToMyWorld